I LOOOOOOVE KENYA and HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Finally arrived home - yes a long time ago, but had to attend some boring boring one week long meeting, What is the point of coming home if I can't avoid meetings.

But I gotta say am very very excited to be home, now that I have officially started my drink fest (also sometimes called holidays)

It's so good to be home. I have made some resolutions to help me get through the holiday period:

1. I WILL NOT WATCH NEWS!

2. I know its over, but I will not talk about project fame except to advice that Alvin guy (or whatever his name was) That he has a really really bright future as a one man guitar! The one time I actually watched the thing, I could picture him at Roosters. And as for Ian, a guy has issues!

3. I will not go out with ANYONE who drinks and drives!

4. I will not talk to my boss!

5. I will try to get some sort of exercise everyday

6. I will tell everyone who has been good to me this year, Thank you. (on that note let me start, THANK YOU KBW members)

7. I will let non-entities bother me

8. I will love my man to bits

9. I will be good to my village relatives.

10. And finally I will keep safe and pray that everyone finishes the holidays peacefully and in one piece

Thanks everyone and enjoy your holidays be safe. And remember that Christmas is NOT about SARIT centre but about the birth of Christ

GOING HOME! Year wrap

Finally the year is coming to an end. It has been one hell of a year. Round up of my year so far?

Met a wonderful, wonderful man! That has to rank above everything else for me this year. After being hurt soo badly (may he rot in hell) , I had given up on love and when I was least expecting it, I find happiness and love. And while still on the topic of being hurt, Karma did pay a visit to the dude. (wonder if it camped there ama it has moved on? )

I joined KBW. Where I met many many wonderful blogger/writers. Who made life more bearable for me, I have laughed, felt sad, received some advice on some tricky situations, learnt something about the money market (trust me the fact that I know those words is an achievementin itself). Adrian was actually the first blogger to ever comment on my blog. The first post I wrote did not have any comments and it made me extremely sad (yeah am not one of those people who claim ati they write for themselves. BULL!) It actually matters to me whether or not people comment on my blog. So Adrian Ahsante, you made my day and made me not give up on blogging. And eventually got addicted to it!

Got promoted! After slogging at the bottom and getting orders from twits who just happened to be of the same tribe as the decision makers, I finally got promoted and now I get to give orders to people who think am the twit who got promoted because I belong to the same tribe as the boss! LOL

I got 2 new nephews this year. Lucky for their mothers am away sooo much therefore I cannot spoil them as much as I would want to. Aren't kids beautiful especially when you can return them to the owner when they poo or start crying?


Kesho I take off from here headed for kenya! to be honest, am not sure I want to come back. I can't take this anymore. Am tired of all the poverty, hunger, fighting and general suffering. I don't want to be one of those people who can not live regular lives. Apparently there are some people who thrive in tough situations, sadly I am not one of those people.

I miss discos, bars, TV- watching (as opposed to listening to) football. I can't stand to see all the pubescent girls being married off to some 60 year old and then inherited by the sons when the mzee dies! But the thing I cant stand the most is the fact that whatever I (we) do is just a drop in the ocean. The hunger and poverty continues. So maybe after I have been in nairobi, around the affluent people, I might get fed up with the wastage of our politicians and come back to a simpler life! Never know. Will keep you posted.

So next time you read anything from me will be from Nairobi.

Enjoy yourselves Y'all and I will pass your greetings to ODM!

Thank you

Ok, the blog geniusly called bookworms is up and running, and apparently am NOT incompetent just impatient, it just takes KBW volunteers a bit of time. Thanks guys.

Now We all await to read some great reviews. And this therefore means I can now stop milking this issue and get on with my blog block! thank you all for your support in starting this thing (told you I had blog block- kwani you weren't listening!)

Happy weekend Y'all and USE A CONDOM! (I aint gonna tell you not to do the nasty now am I?)

FINISHED!

Well,
I did get off my butt and opened the blog. But somehow the welcome post did not appear on the web ring. (am beginning to think Iam the one who is incompetent).

Anywhos here is the link which has instruction/rules/etc, etc, etc

Am sure there is still room for improvements and suggestions

Haya

Muenjoi mukishirikiana na leader of the official opposition Mheshimiwa Kipyator. Aaaaach, kanu that was like a mugumo tree! Iam NOT renewing my membership: I was a member, remember there was a time all Kenyans were in KANU (baba na mama or was that Moi?).

Ok start sending in your book reviews now.

Aaaaach!

Aaaaach! the aggravation..........
There is soo much I need to do re blogging stuff, but I cant get round to it.

My posts keep disappearing and I cant for the life of me understand what is going on.

Then the drama queen decided she wants to leave. And I have to organise for her depature. No one even wants to have a farewell party for her. Kumbe all along she has been having a thing with some other married colleague and no one knew about it. So when she shagged this other guy, all hell broke loose. Aarrrgh! I was praying for some drama, but in retrospect I realise I could have been happier without it.

I also know I was to start a new blog for book reviews, and I do promise I will. But I think I have worked out how this may work. Since guys also need to run their own blog, we should leave it as an open blog. with an email address, and guys can just send their reviews to the email and they can be posted. All authors will be acknowledged! I promise

Book review collabos anyone?

In one of those my addicted with work (not) moments, I was just looking at the KBW members and the type of blogs that are here. Do you know that there is no blog that does books review, (and christmas is coming soon)

Couch and movie buff do movies/TV
Makanga: does the music
banks does the finances for us
YMT does politics
and many other specialised blogs

so I have come up with a plan: Anyone wants to do a multiblog/collabo? weekly/bi weekly blog. I will establish the blog over the weekend with maybe an email address and anyone can mail their reviews. or something

Obviously you can see this idea is still in the oven. But its definately coming. Feel free to give suggestions.

Enjoy your weekend y'all

Lost Post

This is actually just a question:
Yesterday, I wrote this post and it briefly appeared then disappeared both from my blog and everywhere else. Can any body tell me what happens, and this is not the first time. I just couldnt be bothered the first time it happened. But now I would like to know...

Facts or fund raising ploy?

Have you ever been sooo angry you want kill someone? That is me this afternoon, but I can’t kill anyone because AIDS is doing it for us. The HIV report has been released this afternoon. And would you believe it? Infection rates are actually going up. WTF? GOING UP?

Seriously people, my 6-year-old niece can recite how HIV is spread like a poem. How on earth is it possible that infection rates are going up? Has the message been drummed into out heads so much that we no longer hear it?

Apart from throwing Margaret Gachara back into jail, what else can we do? Seriously people, doesn’t the ABCD of prevention work any more? Should we re-strategize? Even in Uganda where the AIDS campaign was so successful the rates have gone up again.

AM ANGRY and so should every one be.

Or is all this a fund raising ploy? Oh come on before you jump on me, we all know the sort of reports NGO’s write to solicit money.

Is Love by nature manipulative?

I wanted to do one of those monday sucks posts, but really this monday does not suck. Well Man u won (again!), Arsenal drew( again-ha ha ha ha!) Liverpool drew (and am sure they are very very happy about the draw ama aje Aco?) am not mentioning chelsea couz they are not really a footbal club

Anyway, have you ever seen a couple who have nothing in common paka you are like: "aiii, how now?" Well its the love manipulation. Everybody develops multiple personalities when they are in love. They become a different person.

Let me start with love itself: You have been going out with this person for say one month, then suddenly they turn to you and say "I love you", For the mamas the first thoughts will be "thank God he said it first" but for the jamaas it will be "Damn, Am I supposed to say it back?" And Boom right there is the first love manipulation. You can't very well say "thank you very much" or "you're welcome" Of course you have to say "I love yu too" in that shy whispering voice that this words often seem to bring out in everyone.

Now once those words are said, there really is no turning back. Your will is no longer your own. No body other than someone you love can make you wear that red dress over and over and over. (because he said you look good in it- so you keep wearing the dress to please him). Look at how many girls watch soccer without really understanding why Graham Poll was sent home during the world cup.

Why is it that you would kick your friends ass from here to Timbuktu if he suggested you watch cuando ses Mia, but you would gladly watch it with your latest mama? Arent we then manipulated to be who we are not? And its not compromise.

SEX: Anyone who has ever had a one night stand (ONS) will tell you that it easier to give traffic like instructions to someone you know you will never see again, than to someone you will need to share a glass of orange juice with the next morning. WHY? because you do not care what the ONS thinks, but you would want your lover to think the best of you. Chances are you probably enjoyed the ONS alot more!

It is probably why so many people cheat on their partners, they are not allowed to be themselves, the minute you decide to tell your partner that you actually really really like oral sex or you really don't like sex in the morning "you have changed soo much" while infact you haven't changed, that was the manipulated you!


Tears: Enuff said!

Thought: why do all those chicks in porn flicks wear a chain with a heart on it?

Naomba mkubwa wangu anilipe double!

I have finally earned my salary. I have done actual work in the last three weeks. I have toured this my adopted country and it was sooo not easy. Am tired beyond words. But I have soo missed blogging. But I met and loved many people along the way.

Hating Kenyans.
hating you guys seems to be a pass time of many people. We were seated at a bar one day, and this two Ugandans at our table started hating on kenyans. One guy had this tirade about how he was robbed in kenya with a panga, and how everyone in Kenya is a thief. Another had a story about how the cops made him pay 100 shillings, "na shillingi mia moja iko pesa mingi sana". The guy really talked badly about Kenya paka I told him to shut up couz I had a PANGA! LOL

Killing Swahili
You know how they sema ati, Swahili was born in Tanzania, brought up in Kenya, died in Uganda, buried in congo? they should add exhumed and cremated in Sudan. Those sudanese who live around the border of Uganda and congo speak/mutilate many languages. Ati" mimi nasema na wewe na hutaki kusema na mimi?"

Not so christian love
We had to sleep in another church ran place to conduct some community meetings, the manager was the most evil (and not just among christians, but among all human beings). One of my collegues and I are not saved, so the moment she realised that she stopped saying even Good morning to us. Anything she wanted to say to us, she did it through our other collegue who is saved. It got to the point where we were all in agreement about the fact that there are some xtians who believe that their relationship with God is parallel to their relationship with other human beings. How can you be soo evil to other people and think you have the ticket to heaven.

In my absence:
So what has been happening in my absence? Who has fallen in love, Got a new Job, moved country?
to all the new bloggers welcome. To the oldies: Updates please

My update:
Apparently Karma also does some good things to good people (ehhm) Am soooooo in love. Can you see me smiling? Am practically on cloud 9. and yes I will come back down soon enough so let me enjoy this moments. Am operating on the assumption that since am basically a good person and he is also a good person (he chose me so he must be good), then we can expect the best from each other.

But for now I don't even want to think beyond (funga macho kama bado huja fika umri wa kujitafutia kitambulisho) my bed- aiiii, the brother anaweza kweli. Whichever school he went to, can it open branches all over the world. Every sister needs a brother like this one. We are apart right now and it sucks. I feel soo lonely (like a part of me has been cut off)

Okay I will think of more travel stories as the days go by. And Iam refusing to do any actual work for the next three days. I was soo far in the bush I didn't even know Gerard Levert died!! Atleast I also did not hear Raila being tiresome.

Enjoy

Karma is a B***CH and boy do I love her

What goes around, comes around.What goes up, must come down.-Karma

They say that whether it is in this lifetime or the next, it will get you every time. And I believe it.

Actually this is a very personal story and if you hear (read) me burst into fits of giggles, chalk it down to temporary insanity. For you to understand this story I will have to start from the beginning.

So here goes: A few years ago, I had this guy. (Herein referred to as K). K and I had been going out for a while. Actually around about 3 years. I thought he was the one. I could not see myself without him. He was kind, generous, loving, and romantic. But still a man’s man. I loved K with the innocence of a child. He could do no wrong as far as I was concerned (maybe that was the first mistake). Anyway to cut a long history short, I thought he walked on water.

Then one day PUFF he was gone. Just like that. He said he had met someone else. JUST LIKE THAT. (Of course there were signs I just chose to ignore them-Mistake no 2). Needless to say I was devastated. It took love, friendship support and a whole year to get over it and him. He went on to marry the girl- Mrs K (formerly known as the Bitch who stole my man).

I assume it was all bliss until Karma struck. I got what I like to think of as a breathless email: (and I quote)

“Guess what? Mrs K is divorcing K, taking him to the cleaners AND he has apparently lost his job” Bye talk later

Bwehe he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he
Bwehe he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he

Gasping for breath

Tehi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

Ok am done now.

I know there is something in the Bible that talks about not laughing at other people’s misfortunes. But if we are not meant to laugh at people’s misfortunes, Then God should not make our enemies so unfortunate. (That is tempting us after all we are human)

Am I a bitch for laughing at K? Without a doubt

Do I feel sorry for K: HELL NO.

It may sound like am bitter about what happened. Of course I am….. DUH!

Do I still love him? Maybe in some corner of the left ventricle of my heart. But the rest is pure unadulterated hatred. Infact I am a few kilometres ahead of hatred. Other than the pain of loosing a loved one, I have never felt the pain I felt then.

Will bad things happen to me for laughing at K? Probably. But I don’t care. I do wish though that some more really bad things happened to him.

I love karma. It gets you every time. That is why Y’all need to watch out how you treat other people.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!

Workmate-Shagmate

I read this book a couple of months ago and I was asking myself: "What freaking humanitarian programs do these people do?" Its basically about some humanitarian workers and their relationships (many)

And then yesterday happened!

At the beginning of this year, we finally added another girl (ok Woman) to our fold. See for about 2 years I was the only girl,(sigh! what joy it was, sigh, double sigh, the good old days, final sigh) which was okay by me as I don't normally get along with many women. Through no fault of my own, chicks just tend to hate me. (Even as far back as primary school, I always used to hang around boys- its probably why I think secondary school sucked soo much couz it was a girls only school) anyhow back to the story.

It was an unofficial rule that you could not shag one of the colleagues. Waaaay too much like incest and considering the fact that we live in a camp it could get a tad uncormfortable for everyone else. But apparently this rule did not get through her thick skull! the bitch!

Yesterday we had a farewell party for one of our workmates. Food, drinks, music - basically everything you would expect at a party. Some advice "if you cant hold your drink, THEN DO NOT DRINK" especially at office partys..................Kumbe girl turns into a slut after a few beers. Picture this: 2 girls, 10 men and alcohol. Lets just say that she ended up practising tongue hockey with 2 of the guys and shagging a third one.

She hasn't come to the office yet but am betting that today is gonna be one of the most uncormfortable tension filled days, and I cant wait ("Evil laugh") Updates kesho.

To be honest, I do envy her ability to shag that particular guy. Couz why lie, the guy is hooooot. Makes Denzel look like Busta rhymes or Lil wayne/john (or whatever that ugly rapper is called). The boy is sooo sweet you could just bite him. Am soo jealous, but even he isn't worth whatever drama that Iam sure (hope) will ensue.

Shagging your workmate is almost as bad as sleeping with your friends jamaa/mama. It causes too many problems.. I have so far steered clear of that minefield.

But are there any workmate-shagmate stories that have had a happy ending? Do you know of any?

I am addicted

Heeeelllllp.
Today I was reading this and two things came to mind:
First Pole for having to watch Tyra Banks.
Secondly, Iam that woman..........I am addicted to blogging/internet. This is a sad undeniable fact. Sample my day:

Get to the office, set up work place (switch on comp, get out books blah blah blah)

Open the first tab - I always start this way because I promise myself that I will only use one tab to check my mail then start work.

Getting extrememly pissed off because one tab takes too long to check all my 4 addresses.

Tell myself I will open just one more to make it faster, as in the sooner I finish checking my mail, the sooner I will start actual work.

In about 10 mins I will have about 6-7 tabs open and one or two of this will be KBW.

Then I will say to myself, "............. (insert my name here) you will not read any new postings, you go back to jana's posts then on you move"

By 1.00pm I have broken all my promises to myself, and I will have read and made comments on every post that interests me. By which time it is time for lunch. And the same process will repeat after lunch.

If that doesnt convince you maybe this will:
Jana we had a couple of drinks (just couz we could) I went back to my room and wrote a really really really explicit post....... I was turning absolutely red when I read it this morning. You should all thank your lucky stars that we have no internet at nite.

OH MY GOD, I SHOULB BE FIRED... really I should.

Skype and making friends

Every body loves skype, It has broadened the number of ways that people can keep in touch with their loved ones. There is only one problem with skype; every Tom, Dick, Mary and Harry can try to get in touch with you…. Normally I simply ignore the ones I don’t know but sometimes there are persistent ones. But sometimes its hard. Here is an actual excerpt of a conversation from Skype. For obvious reasons I have blanked out some personal information. And I have left even the parts written in Kisii couz they were just tooo hilarious.

Him:

naki bono? Kenya na Gusii mbuya ere/

Him:

u dont want to talk girl?

Response:

do I know you

Him:

Not really, I am chatting u from the state of ( beeep) United states, but inka (Beeeep)bori

Him:

U dont have to knwo someone, Just talk! Please allow me to ur contacts if u dont mind.

Him:

Nka ng'ai baba rende?

Response:

what language is that? I think you may have assumed am a kisii? Nope just married to one

Him:

Oh, ok, This is kisii, where r u married to? Sorry. It is not always good to assume

Him:

Where r u from then? what langauge do u speak?

Response:

sudan

Him:

I DONT THINK SO!!!

Response

dont think what?

Him:

YOU ARE KENYAN AND MAY BE KAMBA

Him:

PLEASE DONT LIE TO ME

Him:

YOUR R NOT SUNDAN!!!

Him:

WHERE IN KISII R U MARRIED

Response

ok if it makes you feel better to think am kamba thats fine by me wont change who I am though. bye

Him:

BYE

Him: (a few minutes later)

U STILL THERE?

Response:

didnt say I was going anywhere, just said good bye to you

Him

EH, PLEASE BE KIND KIDOGO

Him:

U NEVER KNOW WHERE WE CAN MEET

Response:

is there really any need to talk to someone whose first impression of you is that you are lying? dont think so

Him:

I AM SORRY IF THAT OFFENDED U

Him:

WHAT IS UR CELLPHONE NUMBER/

Him::

I CAN SEND AN AOPOLOGY THRU IT.

Response

no thank you. am now in sudan

Him:

I HOPE SO

Him

MINE IS beeeeeeeeppppppp

Response:

I dont want it

Him:

U R TOO RUDE! I HOPE U R NOT 2 UR HUBBY

Response:

Good bye

Him:

BYE THEN

Him:

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK

Response

you too and never question what someone tells you unless you have concrete reasons to

Well at this point I did actually leave (physically)

Eeeewwwww!

Received thise and thought to share!!!!!!!!!!

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...

...and wash your damn hands!

can we borrow you reserve goalie to play for us? Best match ever

Yesterday was a public holiday here as well - a different one not moi day. It was a village holiday actually not a nationwide one.

Anyway as part of the celebrations there was a football match between ourselves and another neighbouring team. What ensued was the most hilarious and funnest game I have ever watched.

Each half was supposed to be 35 minutes long. About 15 minutes into the match we realized that the other team had 12 players in the field.....so we had to stop the game (very very loudly I might add) and complain to the referee. Who interestingly was a teacher from the opposing side school.

Then the first half went on for like 50 mins. By which point we were all drenched by rain and the players were all muddy.

Second half and again the other team had 12 players. (LOL) the nerve.

Our goalkeeper was by this time too tired to play anymore. So we borrowed the reserve goalie of the other side to play for us. LMAO . After about 45 minutes the other team scored. (WE ARE STICKING WITH THE GOALIE EXCUSE). The referee waited until the other team had scored then he blew the whistle. It was the best game I have ever ever watched.

It was after this match that I realized something. I started watching football way back when, as a way of bonding with my then boyfriend. I actually hated the game at that time and was only watching it to impress and please him.... But even after I broke up with him I did not stop watching football. I was hooked. Yesterday I finally understood that I love football passionately and genuinely. (see girls there is benefit in faking it sometimes)

Lets vote out Monday

MONDAYS SUCK!!
Is there a group of stuffy old men sitting somewhere in Switzerland (where else) that deals with issues of weekdays? You know like the group that sat down (in Switzerland I bet) and decided that Pluto can no longer hack it as a planet.... Can we have another group that gets rid of weekdays and vote out monday

Hands up those that agree with me. Here are a few reasons why I particularly want this monday out

Harambee stars lost Again!!!

My Radio has developed a mind of its own and has taken the last two days off.

The 9th parliament is still sleeping

The weekend had no league games

I have to work

Iam not paid enough to work here (and I never will be!)

It is the 1st day of a week that has friday the 13th!!!!

That dude is still going on about Kikwete (YAWN!!!)

Ok now am reaching...................................add any more that make you hate this monday

have a good week

Tuesday Rant? and Ig nobel prize

Am only writing as a response to a previous post I read: And No am not one of those people who slam what other people have written. Nope. this is simply a response to Jamaapoa who asks if Wangari Maathai can become president.
I have a few questions in response to that:

Did we or did we not know Hon Wangari before her Peace Prize?

Was she not the founder of Greenbelt movement before her NPP?

Was she not in the public eye before the NPP?

And this for me is the clincher, DID SHE NOT STAND IN 1997 AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE?

And did we not REJECT her?


So what has changed since then? So she received international recognition. and then? Does that mean we should now elect her? why do we feel the need to ignore our heroes until somebody else recognizes them?

Parting shot: Since this is the Nobel prize season dont forget to check out the Ig nobel prizes
or here their motto is: The prizes for achievements that "make people laugh and then think"

of disappearing boyfriends and online dating/Virtual sex

Sadly my Haitus is over (tears of sadness)

Anyway a friend of mine suffered what I would call a moment of "what the FUCK happened?"

The story goes like this, my friend has been dating this guy for like forever. You know those relationships that you know will go nowhere? The ones of a couple who have been together soooooo long without actually formalizing? Sort of like Oprah and Steadman? Yeah. They have lived together, broken up, got back together. Yaani there is no drama they havent gone through. Even when they are broken up they still remain shag mates, as in one can call the other to spend a night of sex and the next day they go back to their respective partners. Anyway, a few months back they got back together (yawn) So for 3-4 months there was no drama from them. Until one night she frantically calls me to tell me her boyfriend had disappeared. Just like that the man stopped taking her calls, emails etc. One day he was there, the next he was gone.

Am afraid my friend will turn into a stalker, she doesnt understand what happened and she wants to find him either to kick his ass or shag him. I dont understand what happened either, and I dont understand such cowardice. But secretly am quiet glad it happened. One of them had to break that destructive habit. I sincerely (without telling my friend so) hope it is permanent. I mean the guy was good and everything...but their relationship was at best disfunctional.

Moving on, If there is one thing I don't get its online dating..... I was at a cyber cafe in nairobi one day. Nairobi cybers are quiet slow so I was sitting there waiting and this chick next to me was trying to upload her photos onto one of those dating site. Which got me wondering: What does one get from dating someone you hardly know? for all you know this dude/dudette could be a 300 pound jailbird pervert. And no the fact that he/she sent a picture does not mean anything. Remember photo shop? I have no issues with online friendships. But online dating? what the F*** is that? how does it actually work? If you are in the same country you can establish a relationship, then gradually work up to meeting (hopefully at a public place) But if you are "dating" someone from lets say Turkey or Greece (ama the two favourites USA and UK). How will it work? will the date come to Kenya or will you go? I know everything is going Virtual, but can you actually have satisfying virtual sex? Personally dont see the point of dating if the physical part is not included (No sija chill) You can't even hold hands and walk in Nairobi aboretum, or even take a boat ride at uhuru park. His/her name may not even be real he is probably called stenopolis or kalashnikov and is from those countries without vowels in their names. What is the point?

Have a good week everyone even the LIVERPOOL fans.

Does the kenyan parliament make people ridiculous? or did I actually vote for those clowns?

I know Iam on temperory Hiatus, but it is self imposed so I can lift it if I want to. But when I arrived home, the first item on the evening news was this beef between Charity and Michuki.

Why does it feels as if the closer you are to the Kenyan parliament the more ridiculous you sound and behave? Did you actually wake up in the morning, queue for close to five hours (all this after not going to shags because you are registered in nairobi) just to vote for those clowns? We they clowns before I voted for them or did they become clowns after getting to parliament? Isnt it hard to imagine that a few years ago Kiraitu and Kibwana actually sounded intelligent?

And NO I will not apologise for calling them clowns, because that is what they are. Do we actually pay this people? How many parties can Raila belong to before he finally realizes that he can register in God's own party or the devils and people will still vote for him (dont ask me why)

My final thought to our parliamentarians? Two year olds throw tantrums, adults sit down and discuss issues...... Which do you want us to see, which are you?

Now back to my Haitus and you clowns Get off my TV

Temporary Haitus

This is as a result of NOT actually doing any work. Am going home this week so all thoughts of work are in the back burner. So I trolled the internet, and found some crazy photos.

Note to self: check work email more than twice a week


You know that saying "kumbe you are brighter than you look"


How much you wonna bet this dude loves that sheep more than his MRS?

I tell you english came with water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kumbe wanaanzanga mapema?




No shit Sherlock

On that note, let me go check my work email. Happy blogging till we meet.

The rules for guys-

Courtesy of blog block and results of lack of motivation for actual work- those who have read it before, poleni

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, other women or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Of cultures, traditions and evil spirits

Hope all of your enjoyed your weekend, even those arsenal fans……….I have spent my weekend hearing and learning some of the most fascinating things I have ever heard. It is good to learn about other cultures and finally accepting that other people’s ancestors are just as crazy as yours. I have made a collection of some of the beliefs/cultures. They range from the bizarre to the utterly ridiculous. I have refrained from naming the specific tribes because frankly I can’t remember all of them.

Of Women smokers

It is believed that women do not smoke voluntarily; women who smoke are possessed by an evil spirit called desatir. Apparently this spirit demands that among other things the woman should smoke and most of the time not get married. It can also demand for beer, food etc. Not sure yet what will happen if you don’t provide this things. I guess no one has ever tried to refuse it anything. Haki in my next life I so want to come back as a desatir.

Deviation: I came to know about this spirit because I smoke (yes I know it kills) and am unmarried. So some women came to inquire if my desatir needed anything that they could help me find. LOL

Of Childbirth

This is actually more of a tradition than a belief. It is believed that once a woman gets pregnant, she immediately stops having sex with the husband. They believe that the sperm can harm the baby’s development. And even after she delivers, as long as the mother is breast feeding, she can not have sex with the husband, ati the sperm will go to the pupils of the baby’s eyes through the mothers breast milk! (Go figure) It is actually a very effective method of birth control.

Of lighting

If it raining heavily accompanied by lighting and/or thunder, people do not sleep facing the side or on their stomach, you are supposed to sleep facing up. And if there is a visitor in your house and lighting strikes, you are supposed to chase them immediately. Because this means that the visitor has black magic. Apparently lighting follows those who have evil spirits e.g. desatir

Note to self: stay in the house during heavy rains

Of Adultery

Adultery in some communities is not just a sin IT IS A CRIME. Seriously, both of you will be jailed and a case opened. If you are found guilty the man is required to pay 7 cows to the husband of the woman. If the woman is unmarried you can decide whether to marry her ama you pay 2 cows to her father.

However the 7 cows reduce depending on how many times the woman has been caught!!!!!!!!!

Of Death

This are obviously too numerous to mention all, but by far the most hilarious I have come across is this one:

If for example you wife dies (and you know the way Africans never just die), some elders will get that contraption for capturing mice/rats. If the catch a male rate then it is your relatives who have bewitched her. But if they catch a female rat then it is her relatives who killed her.

Of Pregnancy (all ladies listen up)

I have saved this for last just to make sure that you read up to the end!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently (and I am down on my knees praying that it is true) when a woman is pregnant and she rukas her husband (remember that one of primo where if someone rukas you, you will never grow tall? Yeah that one). Well if you do that to your husband he will behave exactly like you, he will crave the things you crave, feel tired just like you, he will even start spitting like you do, complete with morning sickness. This will continue till the day you deliver.

I so want this to be true…………………………………..

Ok am off to do some actual work.

Politics is showbiz for ugly people ! how to acquire a partner- Sudan style

That is why the most handsome president in the world should probably have gone into something else. He does not get what being an african incumbent president really means. How can you not have an outright majority and you are the incumbent? Remember Kagame won with a 90% victory. And what does Kabila do? he has to go for a second round. You know what Kabila needs, he needs lessons from Moi, Kagame, M7. Its only in countries like Tanzania that an incumbent has lost and the less said about them the better

One of my best friends is getting married in December. Iam very excited about it but I will probably miss it. But it has got me thinking about how people acquire spouses in different communitys

Dinkas
Among the dinkas, the girl really has no say-it is an auction and the highest bidder gets the girl. Iam not kidding. Some uncles and old men sit under a tree, and the potentials come with sticks representing the number of cows they are willing to pay, the more sticks you have, the higher your chances of getting the pubescent girl

Kukus (yeah there is a tribe here by that name)
If you think your Mother in law is crazy then you havent met this ones.
Among the Kuku, when a girl hits puberty, the mother will build a seperate house for her, she is then allowed to bring in boys/men to visit her. When the mother notices that there is one particular boy who is a regular, she simply waits for him to enter the house, then locks the poor dude inside, the only way that he will be let out is after the dowry negotiations have been completed. (suckers !!!!!!!!!!)

Madis
This one is a lesson to all those dudes who want some without the commitment.
The women in this community are very devious, they will come visit you in your house, they will let you shag them. And my brother that is the end of you. She wakes up the next morning to start doing wifey stuff like sweeping, cooking and cleaning the compound. As in she will NEVER leave.
There is a story of a guy who this happened to, he ran away from home and he has never been seen since

Murulei
this is for the girls ambao wanatembea ovyo ovyo,
This men just see a girl they like, in the middle of the usikus, they will send their buddies to go kidnapp you and take you to his house. The next day they will send a message to your family ati "stop looking for your daughter, she is here" and this is a sign that marriage negotiations should start.

Yikes

Things that make me go GRRRRRr

Not talking really big life changing things like war, domestic violence and drunk driving. No, just the small things that make you really really annoyed irrationally.

1. Ladies who can’t decide whether they want a long or a short skirt/or long or short slit. You know the ones who wear short short skirts then when they sit down they start clawing the skirt as if the effort will make the skirt any longer than it was when you left home. If you need to claw at the skirt then it was too short for you to begin with. If you were comfortable with the skirt the way it was trust me you wouldn’t need to claw at it.

2. Pot bellied men. If I can spend hours in the gym, why shouldn’t you? (Another secret here, sex with a potbellied man is soooo not good. The logistics of it is way too complicated, just think about it, potbelly makes the hhmm, aaahh about 3 inches shorter)

3. Horizontal appointments AKA shagging your way to the top: This may fall into the category of life changing things depending on if you are the appointer or appointee. Ladies believe me a horizontal appointment may be the easiest way to get up the career ladder, but it’s the least fulfilling. However qualified you maybe (on the other hand if you are qualified you don’t need a horizontal appointment), no one will ever EVER respect you. And you are giving hard workingwomen all over the world a bad name.

4. Kenya Power, Kenya Water, Kenya parliament, Kenya (fill in the blanks). The sheer incompetence of these people is enough to make you look for tax evasion loopholes. Kenyan Roads. The only thing that doesn’t annoy is probably the Kenyan People. (and KBW of course)
   

5. Visible thongs/G-strings/panty lines and bra lines. Back to the ladies again. There is a reason why they are called UNDERWEAR. And let me just finish with ladies dressing once and for all, the black liner on your lips with red lipstick, is not a fashion statement. It makes your mouth look like a rubber stamp.

6. Psssssst, Pssssst, Psssssst, Is no ones name. Not even in the former Russian block where they seem to have a shortage of vowels. It’s flattering but annoying when it goes on for too long.

7. Lingala………….It is too monotonous. It feels like the same song sang over and over and over but by a different person.

Iam sure there are many more but don’t want to sound too grouchy or like a sour puss.

But what makes you go GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Football season Opener rants

I seriously still have nothing profound to sema, but I cant wait for tommorow, am impatient, am excited. After kadhaa weeks bila football FINALLY there will be some action kesho. Man, sahau those things of I dont know liverpool V that Israeli team (where on earth do they get the morale to even think about soccer when half the country have been recalled as reservist!!!!!) This is the real deal, Liverpool V Chelsea. This is the test especially for chelsea who had to take an overdraft from Roman Arkadievich (yes that is his name- sounds like Akaranga)Abramovich to buy Ballack and Schevchenko. Then they kosead the mwafrika-Gallas by giving his NO to ballack, and now the poor dude be on Strike.

For a neutral like me, (NO am not a gooner-otherwise I would be crying about the fact that cole do wonna play for us), this will be a game I will just sit back and enjoy and watch Murhinos egg head (he did shave bold!!!!!!!) No heart attack inducing moments because really I don't have any stake in this. BUT I would much prefer that liverpool won. NO DRAWS please. dont you just hate the smugness in chelsea..........

And now what have they done to poor Victoria Beckham? She gave everything for her husband to play for his country to the extent of even banning the man from playing with Brooklyn lest he hurts himself. I mean she even used her own money to fly back to England during the world cup for an emergency hair do. And the minute her back is turned they chuck his ass from the England team, which apparently would cost them £50m.

Since am a united damu, I will not talk about Ronaldo being pelted with chewing gum. But I will celebrate the fact that we finally managed to get Rid of the Ruud boy.

Enjoy your weekend,the game and we shall be meeting every weekend for some great times ahead.

Hilarious

I really do not have much to say, so thought would pass this forward along. And it would also give me an excuse to ask: What happened to that blog that used to have pictures of food? It was very very nice and now I miss it. If you are out there please please bring back the pictures.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Part I: Living in Sudan:- the past.

I do not claim to be overly religious (if there is a phrase like that); I listen to “akisema atakubariki and kuna dawa"(no not in the bar!) I do say my prayers and go to church every now and then. But Living in Sudan I cannot help but look for the all-loving and ever-caring God I used to pray to in the village church when I was a little girl. Does he/she not listen to prayers from this side? Do the prayers not reach there-wherever there is? I realize that I may be applying my own standards to judge the conditions, but there are universal human needs and they are not fulfilled here. How could so much be so wrong in one place? How can the world allow people to live in mud huts, walk naked/semi naked, hungry and frightened of bombs and homeless in the 21st Century? Why weren’t there more people angry about the situation? Where was the UN, the AU? Where indeed was God?

For some time now I have been saying/promising that I will blog about my side of the world. This means Southern Sudan- Not north or Darfur where the parallels between what led to the 20-year war in the south and what is happening there are disturbingly similar. It’s difficult to decide where to start. SS is a country full of resources, in Africa it is only rivalled by DRC. And I guess that is the major source of the conflict, The North want what the south have and that is the reason why even after the 6 years elapse, the south will vote to secede and the north will not accept that, because it will mean loss of control over these riches. Gold, oil, animals and ofcurse the people are all to be found here not to mention the Nile (lets not even start on Egypt) The maddening thing is that none of this resources have been used on the people. Most families eat one meal a day if they are lucky to have had World Food Program drop food in the area. It is not that people are lazy, but the weather is tooo harsh. Temperatures can get to a stifling 45 degrees. The rains come once a year, (And Egypt has taken the Nile!!!) in the form of floods.

When I first came to SS about four year ago, I was in shock for about a whole year. We used to barter for food; a goat would be exchanged for a bar of panga soap and maybe one or two packets of salt. Most of our food came from Kenya (by plane of course). It was in Sudan that I learned that there was tinned githeri, carrots, and dried sukuma wiki. Money simply had no value because there was nothing to buy. We paid salaries in the form of second hand clothes, salt and Soap. By now am sure you have guessed that salt and soap were the most precious commodities. I will not even begin to describe my reaction when I was shown my mud hut. All I was thinking was “Damn I need a raise” Don’t get me started on the creepy crawlies, spiders, scorpions,lizards,snakes
“ I swear this is a true story, my colleague was coming from the bathroom one evening, happily whistling away, sans clothes, only to get to his Tukul (mud hut) and find a snake inside. I tell you I have never seen a man jump so high. Within seconds he was on top of a chair” I have the photo but he made me swear never to show it to anyone.

Prior to the CPA, I had not gone to any “town” with a tarmac road, Permanent constructions, telecommunication, public transport, schools and many of the things I used to take for granted. All public social amenities are managed by NGO’s. Its not that the people of SS are not able to manage them, but it’s hard to do that when you are running for your life, isn’t it?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad, Living among the Dinka people is one of the most pleasurable experiences anyone can ever have. Maybe its because they are so unspoilt. They have no issues of jealousy or envy. And they are 100% honest. They do not ever talk behind your back, if you annoy them trust me they will tell you to your face. (Participants at a workshop refused to attend a session because the facilitator had the “wrong approach”) You know those anonymous evaluations that are done in workshops? None of that here they will tell you to your face. And if they like you, they will immediately give you a Dinka name.

You would think that with all the poverty and hunger people would be falling over themselves to leave SS, but are they? Will be talking about the present on the next episode.

At what point does a friend become a liability?

This weekend, I have lost a great friend. No he didnt pass away. Just that my friendship with him has come to an abrupt end, after 5 years of sharing, consoling each other, making decisions together, screaming at each other and making up later. He was/is one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. And a testimony to the fact that men and women can be friends with out the sex thing coming up. We went out together, got drunk and talked shitty to each other and to other guys. But sex never came up ever. When he met his wife, I was with him and when he married her, I was there sad that the era of measuring up chicks for him was over. So you can imagine my dismay 1st to discover that he has been shagging someone else. And then for that same small thing to come to me and tell me that my friend thinks I have a crush on him. WHAAAT? why? when? how? This raises 2 issues in my mind: Could She be lying? Does he really think that? If she is lying and I ask my friend (lets call him R) then that will definately bring problems between them. The thing is I dont really care if it brings problems between them, after all its not as if I like the girl or the fact that R is cheating on his wife, who happens to be a very good friend of mine. At the same time, I dont want to look petty, fighting with an "under 18" If he really said that, what the fuck was he thinking, what could have given him that crazy idea? why did he feel he had to justify my friendship with him? I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU. Please dont crush my belief in the fact that men and women can be friends. So far, I have not asked him, I have not talked to him either. Iam just filled with a huge feeling of loss,sadness and absolute betrayal. How could he cheat on a woman I love and respect, how can a man I respect shag someone else? And someone who does not measure up to the wife? Halafu nina swali: Why do men always (well almost always) cheat with a girl who is a couple of notches below the wife/girlfriend. house girl, secretary etc. Dont get me wrong its not ati they are not women, but.........and dont tell me its love couz its not. How brief can love be couz after a tew months they move on to the next house girl. Anyway back to my friend, Iam currently ignoring his mails, text and calls. obviously I cant do that for ever, at some point he will ask whats up. I need some advise couz on the one hand I dont want to loose him but I also dont want drama in my life. Anyone out there willing to help me?

Been tagged: EVIL !!!

Got back from home(ooh bliss) and what do I find? I have been tagged!
so here goes:

Rules:
Post six weird facts/habits about yourself. These cannot be used against you later on.
At the bottom name the six people you will tag next.
Leave them a comment to let them know they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.

1. I feel nothing for shoes and clothes, for me they are an evil neccesity. If I could I would walk bila clothes especially a bra (yuck) worst invention ever. I think I own 3 pairs of shoes (including bathroom slippers!)

2. Francis (sky news weather man) I find totally hot. The way the man reads the weather is unmarched. (goose bumps)

3. I absolutely HATE men (those who have an interest) who call all the time, "hi, how are you? Just wanted to find out how you are doing". Every few hours or so. its annoying and irritating. However if he doesnt call for a day I will get extremely annoyed. In short I dont want him, but I dont want him to stop callling either. I find it difficult wanting a man who REALLY wants me. On that note I have had 4 different men say to me, "I wish I was not married" but have never had any single man say "thank God you are not married" hmmmm wonder why?

4. I sulk (need I say more)

5. Iam very fickle. I will obsess about something for a while, then......nothing. I will go through a phase of really loving something for example I have more than 50 towels- I went through a phase of acquiring them, then it stopped, now am into pajamas. Iam up to 6 pairs. This happens with everything in my life, food, men, TV shows, books/authors. Everything.

6. I find some silly things extremly hillarious. There is a thing I call Tv in a TV. This is when you are watching TV and the character is watching TV. Thus TV in a TV get it? . One time I got TV in a TV in a TV, as in the character in the TV was watching TV and the character......ooooh never mind. My family think am weired. But its funny. I laugh even at sad things, even when am crying, I can start laughing/giggling.

warning, stereotypical racy joke coming up
Onyango and mueni were on a beach holiday. They decided to get some in the ocean. Mueni went down (you know suck) on Onyango. At that crucial point onyango saw a shark coming. So he started screaming at Mueni: " Mueni SAAARK" Mueni not familiar with the sh/s luo issues sucked really hard........
And that is why Kambas dont like the ocean.

And should I really inflict this on anyone? Ok here goes, any luo man and Kamba woman out there??? Go On consider yourself TAGGED