Of cultures, traditions and evil spirits

Hope all of your enjoyed your weekend, even those arsenal fans……….I have spent my weekend hearing and learning some of the most fascinating things I have ever heard. It is good to learn about other cultures and finally accepting that other people’s ancestors are just as crazy as yours. I have made a collection of some of the beliefs/cultures. They range from the bizarre to the utterly ridiculous. I have refrained from naming the specific tribes because frankly I can’t remember all of them.

Of Women smokers

It is believed that women do not smoke voluntarily; women who smoke are possessed by an evil spirit called desatir. Apparently this spirit demands that among other things the woman should smoke and most of the time not get married. It can also demand for beer, food etc. Not sure yet what will happen if you don’t provide this things. I guess no one has ever tried to refuse it anything. Haki in my next life I so want to come back as a desatir.

Deviation: I came to know about this spirit because I smoke (yes I know it kills) and am unmarried. So some women came to inquire if my desatir needed anything that they could help me find. LOL

Of Childbirth

This is actually more of a tradition than a belief. It is believed that once a woman gets pregnant, she immediately stops having sex with the husband. They believe that the sperm can harm the baby’s development. And even after she delivers, as long as the mother is breast feeding, she can not have sex with the husband, ati the sperm will go to the pupils of the baby’s eyes through the mothers breast milk! (Go figure) It is actually a very effective method of birth control.

Of lighting

If it raining heavily accompanied by lighting and/or thunder, people do not sleep facing the side or on their stomach, you are supposed to sleep facing up. And if there is a visitor in your house and lighting strikes, you are supposed to chase them immediately. Because this means that the visitor has black magic. Apparently lighting follows those who have evil spirits e.g. desatir

Note to self: stay in the house during heavy rains

Of Adultery

Adultery in some communities is not just a sin IT IS A CRIME. Seriously, both of you will be jailed and a case opened. If you are found guilty the man is required to pay 7 cows to the husband of the woman. If the woman is unmarried you can decide whether to marry her ama you pay 2 cows to her father.

However the 7 cows reduce depending on how many times the woman has been caught!!!!!!!!!

Of Death

This are obviously too numerous to mention all, but by far the most hilarious I have come across is this one:

If for example you wife dies (and you know the way Africans never just die), some elders will get that contraption for capturing mice/rats. If the catch a male rate then it is your relatives who have bewitched her. But if they catch a female rat then it is her relatives who killed her.

Of Pregnancy (all ladies listen up)

I have saved this for last just to make sure that you read up to the end!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently (and I am down on my knees praying that it is true) when a woman is pregnant and she rukas her husband (remember that one of primo where if someone rukas you, you will never grow tall? Yeah that one). Well if you do that to your husband he will behave exactly like you, he will crave the things you crave, feel tired just like you, he will even start spitting like you do, complete with morning sickness. This will continue till the day you deliver.

I so want this to be true…………………………………..

Ok am off to do some actual work.

Politics is showbiz for ugly people ! how to acquire a partner- Sudan style

That is why the most handsome president in the world should probably have gone into something else. He does not get what being an african incumbent president really means. How can you not have an outright majority and you are the incumbent? Remember Kagame won with a 90% victory. And what does Kabila do? he has to go for a second round. You know what Kabila needs, he needs lessons from Moi, Kagame, M7. Its only in countries like Tanzania that an incumbent has lost and the less said about them the better

One of my best friends is getting married in December. Iam very excited about it but I will probably miss it. But it has got me thinking about how people acquire spouses in different communitys

Dinkas
Among the dinkas, the girl really has no say-it is an auction and the highest bidder gets the girl. Iam not kidding. Some uncles and old men sit under a tree, and the potentials come with sticks representing the number of cows they are willing to pay, the more sticks you have, the higher your chances of getting the pubescent girl

Kukus (yeah there is a tribe here by that name)
If you think your Mother in law is crazy then you havent met this ones.
Among the Kuku, when a girl hits puberty, the mother will build a seperate house for her, she is then allowed to bring in boys/men to visit her. When the mother notices that there is one particular boy who is a regular, she simply waits for him to enter the house, then locks the poor dude inside, the only way that he will be let out is after the dowry negotiations have been completed. (suckers !!!!!!!!!!)

Madis
This one is a lesson to all those dudes who want some without the commitment.
The women in this community are very devious, they will come visit you in your house, they will let you shag them. And my brother that is the end of you. She wakes up the next morning to start doing wifey stuff like sweeping, cooking and cleaning the compound. As in she will NEVER leave.
There is a story of a guy who this happened to, he ran away from home and he has never been seen since

Murulei
this is for the girls ambao wanatembea ovyo ovyo,
This men just see a girl they like, in the middle of the usikus, they will send their buddies to go kidnapp you and take you to his house. The next day they will send a message to your family ati "stop looking for your daughter, she is here" and this is a sign that marriage negotiations should start.

Yikes

Things that make me go GRRRRRr

Not talking really big life changing things like war, domestic violence and drunk driving. No, just the small things that make you really really annoyed irrationally.

1. Ladies who can’t decide whether they want a long or a short skirt/or long or short slit. You know the ones who wear short short skirts then when they sit down they start clawing the skirt as if the effort will make the skirt any longer than it was when you left home. If you need to claw at the skirt then it was too short for you to begin with. If you were comfortable with the skirt the way it was trust me you wouldn’t need to claw at it.

2. Pot bellied men. If I can spend hours in the gym, why shouldn’t you? (Another secret here, sex with a potbellied man is soooo not good. The logistics of it is way too complicated, just think about it, potbelly makes the hhmm, aaahh about 3 inches shorter)

3. Horizontal appointments AKA shagging your way to the top: This may fall into the category of life changing things depending on if you are the appointer or appointee. Ladies believe me a horizontal appointment may be the easiest way to get up the career ladder, but it’s the least fulfilling. However qualified you maybe (on the other hand if you are qualified you don’t need a horizontal appointment), no one will ever EVER respect you. And you are giving hard workingwomen all over the world a bad name.

4. Kenya Power, Kenya Water, Kenya parliament, Kenya (fill in the blanks). The sheer incompetence of these people is enough to make you look for tax evasion loopholes. Kenyan Roads. The only thing that doesn’t annoy is probably the Kenyan People. (and KBW of course)
   

5. Visible thongs/G-strings/panty lines and bra lines. Back to the ladies again. There is a reason why they are called UNDERWEAR. And let me just finish with ladies dressing once and for all, the black liner on your lips with red lipstick, is not a fashion statement. It makes your mouth look like a rubber stamp.

6. Psssssst, Pssssst, Psssssst, Is no ones name. Not even in the former Russian block where they seem to have a shortage of vowels. It’s flattering but annoying when it goes on for too long.

7. Lingala………….It is too monotonous. It feels like the same song sang over and over and over but by a different person.

Iam sure there are many more but don’t want to sound too grouchy or like a sour puss.

But what makes you go GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Football season Opener rants

I seriously still have nothing profound to sema, but I cant wait for tommorow, am impatient, am excited. After kadhaa weeks bila football FINALLY there will be some action kesho. Man, sahau those things of I dont know liverpool V that Israeli team (where on earth do they get the morale to even think about soccer when half the country have been recalled as reservist!!!!!) This is the real deal, Liverpool V Chelsea. This is the test especially for chelsea who had to take an overdraft from Roman Arkadievich (yes that is his name- sounds like Akaranga)Abramovich to buy Ballack and Schevchenko. Then they kosead the mwafrika-Gallas by giving his NO to ballack, and now the poor dude be on Strike.

For a neutral like me, (NO am not a gooner-otherwise I would be crying about the fact that cole do wonna play for us), this will be a game I will just sit back and enjoy and watch Murhinos egg head (he did shave bold!!!!!!!) No heart attack inducing moments because really I don't have any stake in this. BUT I would much prefer that liverpool won. NO DRAWS please. dont you just hate the smugness in chelsea..........

And now what have they done to poor Victoria Beckham? She gave everything for her husband to play for his country to the extent of even banning the man from playing with Brooklyn lest he hurts himself. I mean she even used her own money to fly back to England during the world cup for an emergency hair do. And the minute her back is turned they chuck his ass from the England team, which apparently would cost them £50m.

Since am a united damu, I will not talk about Ronaldo being pelted with chewing gum. But I will celebrate the fact that we finally managed to get Rid of the Ruud boy.

Enjoy your weekend,the game and we shall be meeting every weekend for some great times ahead.

Hilarious

I really do not have much to say, so thought would pass this forward along. And it would also give me an excuse to ask: What happened to that blog that used to have pictures of food? It was very very nice and now I miss it. If you are out there please please bring back the pictures.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.