Temporary Haitus

This is as a result of NOT actually doing any work. Am going home this week so all thoughts of work are in the back burner. So I trolled the internet, and found some crazy photos.

Note to self: check work email more than twice a week


You know that saying "kumbe you are brighter than you look"


How much you wonna bet this dude loves that sheep more than his MRS?

I tell you english came with water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kumbe wanaanzanga mapema?




No shit Sherlock

On that note, let me go check my work email. Happy blogging till we meet.

The rules for guys-

Courtesy of blog block and results of lack of motivation for actual work- those who have read it before, poleni

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, other women or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Of cultures, traditions and evil spirits

Hope all of your enjoyed your weekend, even those arsenal fans……….I have spent my weekend hearing and learning some of the most fascinating things I have ever heard. It is good to learn about other cultures and finally accepting that other people’s ancestors are just as crazy as yours. I have made a collection of some of the beliefs/cultures. They range from the bizarre to the utterly ridiculous. I have refrained from naming the specific tribes because frankly I can’t remember all of them.

Of Women smokers

It is believed that women do not smoke voluntarily; women who smoke are possessed by an evil spirit called desatir. Apparently this spirit demands that among other things the woman should smoke and most of the time not get married. It can also demand for beer, food etc. Not sure yet what will happen if you don’t provide this things. I guess no one has ever tried to refuse it anything. Haki in my next life I so want to come back as a desatir.

Deviation: I came to know about this spirit because I smoke (yes I know it kills) and am unmarried. So some women came to inquire if my desatir needed anything that they could help me find. LOL

Of Childbirth

This is actually more of a tradition than a belief. It is believed that once a woman gets pregnant, she immediately stops having sex with the husband. They believe that the sperm can harm the baby’s development. And even after she delivers, as long as the mother is breast feeding, she can not have sex with the husband, ati the sperm will go to the pupils of the baby’s eyes through the mothers breast milk! (Go figure) It is actually a very effective method of birth control.

Of lighting

If it raining heavily accompanied by lighting and/or thunder, people do not sleep facing the side or on their stomach, you are supposed to sleep facing up. And if there is a visitor in your house and lighting strikes, you are supposed to chase them immediately. Because this means that the visitor has black magic. Apparently lighting follows those who have evil spirits e.g. desatir

Note to self: stay in the house during heavy rains

Of Adultery

Adultery in some communities is not just a sin IT IS A CRIME. Seriously, both of you will be jailed and a case opened. If you are found guilty the man is required to pay 7 cows to the husband of the woman. If the woman is unmarried you can decide whether to marry her ama you pay 2 cows to her father.

However the 7 cows reduce depending on how many times the woman has been caught!!!!!!!!!

Of Death

This are obviously too numerous to mention all, but by far the most hilarious I have come across is this one:

If for example you wife dies (and you know the way Africans never just die), some elders will get that contraption for capturing mice/rats. If the catch a male rate then it is your relatives who have bewitched her. But if they catch a female rat then it is her relatives who killed her.

Of Pregnancy (all ladies listen up)

I have saved this for last just to make sure that you read up to the end!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently (and I am down on my knees praying that it is true) when a woman is pregnant and she rukas her husband (remember that one of primo where if someone rukas you, you will never grow tall? Yeah that one). Well if you do that to your husband he will behave exactly like you, he will crave the things you crave, feel tired just like you, he will even start spitting like you do, complete with morning sickness. This will continue till the day you deliver.

I so want this to be true…………………………………..

Ok am off to do some actual work.

Politics is showbiz for ugly people ! how to acquire a partner- Sudan style

That is why the most handsome president in the world should probably have gone into something else. He does not get what being an african incumbent president really means. How can you not have an outright majority and you are the incumbent? Remember Kagame won with a 90% victory. And what does Kabila do? he has to go for a second round. You know what Kabila needs, he needs lessons from Moi, Kagame, M7. Its only in countries like Tanzania that an incumbent has lost and the less said about them the better

One of my best friends is getting married in December. Iam very excited about it but I will probably miss it. But it has got me thinking about how people acquire spouses in different communitys

Dinkas
Among the dinkas, the girl really has no say-it is an auction and the highest bidder gets the girl. Iam not kidding. Some uncles and old men sit under a tree, and the potentials come with sticks representing the number of cows they are willing to pay, the more sticks you have, the higher your chances of getting the pubescent girl

Kukus (yeah there is a tribe here by that name)
If you think your Mother in law is crazy then you havent met this ones.
Among the Kuku, when a girl hits puberty, the mother will build a seperate house for her, she is then allowed to bring in boys/men to visit her. When the mother notices that there is one particular boy who is a regular, she simply waits for him to enter the house, then locks the poor dude inside, the only way that he will be let out is after the dowry negotiations have been completed. (suckers !!!!!!!!!!)

Madis
This one is a lesson to all those dudes who want some without the commitment.
The women in this community are very devious, they will come visit you in your house, they will let you shag them. And my brother that is the end of you. She wakes up the next morning to start doing wifey stuff like sweeping, cooking and cleaning the compound. As in she will NEVER leave.
There is a story of a guy who this happened to, he ran away from home and he has never been seen since

Murulei
this is for the girls ambao wanatembea ovyo ovyo,
This men just see a girl they like, in the middle of the usikus, they will send their buddies to go kidnapp you and take you to his house. The next day they will send a message to your family ati "stop looking for your daughter, she is here" and this is a sign that marriage negotiations should start.

Yikes

Things that make me go GRRRRRr

Not talking really big life changing things like war, domestic violence and drunk driving. No, just the small things that make you really really annoyed irrationally.

1. Ladies who can’t decide whether they want a long or a short skirt/or long or short slit. You know the ones who wear short short skirts then when they sit down they start clawing the skirt as if the effort will make the skirt any longer than it was when you left home. If you need to claw at the skirt then it was too short for you to begin with. If you were comfortable with the skirt the way it was trust me you wouldn’t need to claw at it.

2. Pot bellied men. If I can spend hours in the gym, why shouldn’t you? (Another secret here, sex with a potbellied man is soooo not good. The logistics of it is way too complicated, just think about it, potbelly makes the hhmm, aaahh about 3 inches shorter)

3. Horizontal appointments AKA shagging your way to the top: This may fall into the category of life changing things depending on if you are the appointer or appointee. Ladies believe me a horizontal appointment may be the easiest way to get up the career ladder, but it’s the least fulfilling. However qualified you maybe (on the other hand if you are qualified you don’t need a horizontal appointment), no one will ever EVER respect you. And you are giving hard workingwomen all over the world a bad name.

4. Kenya Power, Kenya Water, Kenya parliament, Kenya (fill in the blanks). The sheer incompetence of these people is enough to make you look for tax evasion loopholes. Kenyan Roads. The only thing that doesn’t annoy is probably the Kenyan People. (and KBW of course)
   

5. Visible thongs/G-strings/panty lines and bra lines. Back to the ladies again. There is a reason why they are called UNDERWEAR. And let me just finish with ladies dressing once and for all, the black liner on your lips with red lipstick, is not a fashion statement. It makes your mouth look like a rubber stamp.

6. Psssssst, Pssssst, Psssssst, Is no ones name. Not even in the former Russian block where they seem to have a shortage of vowels. It’s flattering but annoying when it goes on for too long.

7. Lingala………….It is too monotonous. It feels like the same song sang over and over and over but by a different person.

Iam sure there are many more but don’t want to sound too grouchy or like a sour puss.

But what makes you go GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR